Yet, another.

Holla,  it's been awhile since I've updated my bloggie. Benn through a lot, yeah as usual. But this time, it's different. You know when people say that, yeahh, you might think your hardships are harder than anyone else's. These few months, those words take turn. I... Hmmm. How to say. My brother was diagnosed with cancer. Yes, cancer. Witnessing him fighting, battling, coping with it just hurt me. He's just 20. To live with that just too much. I never thought that he would have to go through it. As a sister, what can I do? Fight for him? Be in his shoes instead? Tell him to be strong? Cliche. Cry for him? Big no. Especially when I know, he roots for me that much. I would scream! I would cry! But that will broke him even more. I knew I have to be strong for him. But I'm a person. I'm his sister . how can I do nothing seeing him fighting for his life, everyday.

gtg, 

see ya.

Miss A

Confusing.

 Hello everyone!!

It's been a while since my last update. there's a lot on my plate lately. Do really struggle a lot, like damn lot! So today, i've been wanting to share about my currently twisted love tale. After my unfortunate love with Fitri, I accidentally met Firdaus. We started playing online game together and ended up changing number (he asked for my number first. Hehehehe) and start to text and call. For about a month after, he told me that he like me just enough to make me his girlfriend. At first, i was hesitating, yeah, I just ended things with Fitri, and now its too soon to just be in relationship with another guy. So I told him, that feeling is just isn't true like we just met and we haven't even went out together. So I told to know me for another month and his feeling hasn't change, I'll consider. So he showed me so much effort that I started to think he is genuine with his feeling. So I asked few of my closest friends and they said, it's not wrong to just give him a chance. So yeah, I told him lets just follow the flow. But be sure, don't hope too much and expect less or expect nothing at all. Expectations kill ya know!

till next time!!

Gtg!

See ya!

Miss A.

Profound sorrow.

  Hi everyone.

Just a quick update on that guy. The guy that I liked recently. We realized that as the day passed, we drifted apart. He didn't get excited over my text and call anymore. And I, never cared if he texted or called. Not like we used to always keep each other updated throughout the day. Maybe he thought that it was unnecessary when we decided to just be friends, and I just thought that I might be disturbing him with my presence. We just... appreciating each others' unavailability. I missed him, I missed us. I just have no heart to show my effort to him anymore. He broke me too many times. And each time he broke me, I always thought that I would be okay till a certain point, I moved on from this suffocating feeling. I'm sorry for not having consistency in loving you but I just put my priority in its rightful place. 

To you, thank you for this short and meaningful moment. Till we meet again at the right time.

Gtg, See ya!

Miss A.

That guy again.

 Hi everyone!!

Today I wanna tell everyone about that same guy, Fitri. It's funny how I came to like him, even more each day. I knew I'm not supposed to like him this much, but I cannot stop and hide my feelings. I do feel now that he too, cares so much and like me too. I don't want him to like me this much as I'm afraid I'm unable to commit to this. I am unpredictable and easily have a change of heart. So. making him like me more than he should is unforgivable. Everything he did for me is so sweet but I think I should put a boundary and limit to it. I don't wanna get hurt and hurt him. I'm thankful that I met him in this life but I'm not so sure whether I should commit to this relationship forever. Maybe liking him and him liking me was a mistake from the start. Or maybe we were just meant to be together? No Nah! I think we are just two different souls who met at some point in our life. Just a chapter in my fairy tale. If I were given a chance to love him, I would but I know I'm incapable of love. Maybe it's just me in this life. Maybe I wasn't meant to love and to be loved. Just what the future holds for both of us I wonder.

That's all.

GTG!!

See ya,

Miss A.

That Man.

Hello everyone.

I feel like wanna share about that one guy I met in Ramdhan this year. Muhammad Fitri. I met him after a month of breakup (me & Shahrul). At first, I think it won't last even for a day. But after a few hours of conversation, I feel comfortable around him. He started to send me texts and call me every night. There's something about him that makes me like him even more. I knew I'm not supposed to like someone this fast and I know, it might have been a feeling of loneliness. As time went by, I feel like it was true, I like him. Like him, NOT love him. Too early to say it's love. I'm the type of girl who is hard to like or even love someone. He's the second guy in my life despite all the exes and scandals that I have. But somehow, we were afraid. Afraid to commit and to love. He knew I like him but he was so afraid to let me. The same goes for me, even if he loves me, I don't think I'm ready to commit. So, I think, it's better for us to just follow the flow and not putting any hope in this whatever-ship. 

That's all for now, talk to you later.

GTG

Miss A

Toodles!

Another day!

 As I wrote before, about my parents and stuff, I think it happened exactly for a reason. As we slowly accepted it, we found out the truth, one by one. It's hard but we learn to accept it. Allah won't test us beyond our limit, so here I am, fighting and accepting. The beauty will always be at the end of the climb. So enough blaming and crying. We'll move on with our life no matter what. There's no use tearing up for the past which cannot be changed anymore.

    ---------------------------------------New updates on my life---------------------------------------------

I'm officially single. I chose to be out of the relationship for a few reasons. 

1. I wanna focus on my ambition and study.

2. I realize it is unnecessary to be in one, at least for now.

3. I don't wanna get married any soon.

4. There's a lot more I wanna achieve other than being with guys and all.

 Etc, etc...

So yeah, breaking up is the best for me now.

Then, about my master's, I'm in the writing phase right now. A bit slow but progress is still progress. No harm!! 

So that's all.

GTG, See ya!

Miss A.

A Day That I Think I Won't Regret

 Hallo Everyone. 

Today I did something that my dad would be mad at me. My mom came and I went to see her. I just missed her a lot that I couldn't resist seeing her. Whatever happened between mom and dad is heartbreaking and has nothing to do with me. Like I don't have the right to hate either of them and also I don't have the right to be mad at either of them. I, honestly didn't forget her at all. I miss her every single time, every day.  I will forever respect mom and dad even tho it hurts to love them separately now. My love won't stop when they stop staying together. It hurts them as much as it hurts me. I hope that even if this is the fate written for our family, the love we have for each other won't fade away and the memories we had will always be in our hearts. 

The thing about life is it will not always go your way. There will be times when you have to stop and change your direction. There's the moment when you have to accept the flaws in your journey and embrace the outcome of your plans. Allah isn't cruel. He gave you precisely what you need. What suits you at that very moment. I was given chances and choices. Each decision comes with consequences. Whether I like it or not. I'm not supposed to blame anyone at all because I'll see the beauty of it when I started to accept it, wholeheartedly. 

So yeah!

Got to go

See ya! 

Miss A.

Drama!!

 Hello everyone!

I think I need a place to rant about everything and I guess I need to be active on the blog like I used to. I don't think people gonna follow my update here and I might as well don't have to explain anything here. I mean, the hows and whys. It has been almost two weeks since my mom left. I thought I would be vulnerable but I'm not. I learn to accept everything and it happened for a reason or many reasons. 

The saddest part is my dad. He looks so sad, down, and not really accepting what's happening. I told him to move on like he asked us to. I know it is painful to lose the love of his life that they've been together for 30++ years. It is not easy to say, and harder to do. For as blue as we siblings are, I'm pretty sure it hits my dad harder. 

And also my nices. As for Maryam, she's 1 and obviously doesn't really understand what had happened but Afiya, the sister, she is so sad that her grandma left the house so suddenly. She always asked me how I feel and who's gonna be my mom after this. I have no simple word to tell her how I feel. I knew she knew how I feel and she also doesn't know how to put her feelings together. Today, she told my sister to bring her to Kuantan because she probably could meet her grandma. how could my mom leave without having a single thought of her kids and granddaughters? And I did ask Amin, my youngest brother whether my mom call him or not. He said, mom hasn't called him and he doesn't wanna talk about it. So sad!! 

So whatever happens after this, I hope I'll stay strong and stronger. That's all for now!

gtg,

See ya!

Miss A

When everything's falling apart.

Holla fellas,

It's been a while that I write in the Bloggie. So busy finishing my master and something came up recently that makes me wanna update my blog. I don't know where else I could rant about it. 

My mom asked my dad to divorce her. It's a big thing, at least for me. I never thought that something like this will happen to me. Not in this life, at least. But somehow, it happened. Allah made it happen. I have no power to stop it from happening. Never imagine living in a broken family. Never. I always pray to never have to went through this someday, especially when I'm having a big examination (PMR, SPM, etc). I actually forgot to pray for my other siblings too, especially my youngest brother. Amin is gonna sit for SPM this year. Mom asked me not to hate her, but I have the right to be mad. 

And the thing is, I really don't know how to handle my feelings, like what am I supposed to do? Am I not allowed to be mad at all? I'm lost. I never imagine having gone through this kind of shit in my life. Mom asked me not to hate her. Asked me not to be mad or have some kind of revenge upon her, but I'm a human, the daughter! I have feelings, and it is valid! I really hope that mom gonna regrets her decision, and everything went back to normal again. I don't wanna live like this. I want a happy family at home. 

Ya Allah, ease everything and remove the pain from our hearts. Please erase all the hate and give me a happy family at home. Aminn.

Gtg,

See Ya!

Miss A.

Letter To Myself

 Hi,

I don't know what am I supposed to say to myself this year. I'm doing good, nothing hurtful much. I know I need to say something to myself when nobody would, at least saying 'I did well' or 'Good Job' would be much appreciated. I think I should start with...

That Moment When You Chose to Leave

 Hello everyone!

It's been a while since my last post I think. Been busy with lab work and life. I'm in my third semester of my masters and still proceeding the journey. It's tough and challenging. 

So today, I wanna share my feeling which I'm unable to say it loud. Not everyone gonna listen to you. Even if they listened, they might laugh about it behind your back.  It is not easy to find someone who willingly listens to you. I'm not blaming them too because I couldn't force someone to understand me. I've tried so hard to understand people, to please them without prioritized myself. At the end of every day, they didn't bother whether you're good or not. Syam told me that I should love and always put myself first. How am I gonna do that? Would it be easy? Would it hurt me less? Am I gonna be okay every time I did that?

I might look tough and DGAF-kinda person, but deep down, I'm still a human, who can be broken and hurt at times. I tried to say it aloud, finding the right words to say, still couldn't because I ended up hurting people around. They say it is wrong to feel how I felt. My feeling shouldn't be obvious because I have to care about other's feelings. I've been asking, what about my feeling? Should I just ignore it? It doesn't matter much? 

And then, one person came and comfort me. She said it is okay to feel that way. nothing wrong with your feeling. She said she'll be there to always listen to be. She would always be around when I need it. When the time came, she left, she's gone. She ignored me. She knew how hard it is for me to open up to someone, and when she'd convinced me, she did what others did. I have no right to force her to stay, the leaving was my only option. 

when I left, they blame me for being childish and think too much about my feelings.  I ended up crying alone and that irritating feelings linger around. It took all my gut to leave everything behind. Do you know how hard it is? It is true, some friends gonna be around on your best days and good fit, not everyone willing to be around when you're at your worst!

That's all

GTG

Miss A

Happy 2020 !!

Assalamualaikum and Hi Everyone,

Ziha's bridesmaid for 2019

I guess it's not too late yet to wish A HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone. Thank God that I'd started my new year with a good thing. I wish nothing much but happiness every day.  So, let's talk about the Past, Present, and Future. Not talking literally about grammar but our life which full of amazing things.

1.0 The Past

So talking about my past, which I mean Last Year 2019, it's not so good to cherish but still, it's my lesson and memories. First of all, I wanna say what I've been through isn't as good as I imagined it would turn out to be. Maybe it's lacking here and there and the unnecessary thing kept on happening and I was crying while laughing and getting angry easily over some misunderstanding which I didn't understand too. It's funny that you trusted a person so much till you ignored his/her bad attitude, and they gave you shit at the end of the time. It was upsetting me more when you kinda close friend telling you about the thing you didn't wanna know.

The lesson to learn:

A) IN THIS LIFE, NOT EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW. MEANING THAT, THERE'S SOMETHING MIGHT BE OUT OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE FOR GOOD.

B) TO BE TRUE, YOU GOTTA LET GO WHEN YOU SHOULD. YOU ABSOLUTELY KNEW WHEN TO LET GO BUT DENYING IT WHICH HOLDING ON TO IT, DOES MUCH MORE DAMAGE AND PAIN.

C) IF YOU FAILED, FELL APART, BROKEN OR HURTED, THAT'S FINE. LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES AND AMAZEBALLS. IT NOT ALWAYS BE THE WAY YOU WANTED IT TO BE. STAND UP, WALK AGAIN, CHIN UP AND BE PROUD. NOTHING'S GONNA HURT YOU WHEN YOU NEVER LET IT.

D) BE THE LIGHT AND HOPE FOR THOSE WHO ARE UNFORTUNATE AND NEVER GET HURT BY THOSE WORDS YOU CAN'T AVOID.

2.0 The Present

 Now, new year, new thingy, new life. I wasn't prepared enough to confront the new year but what I know is that I got that bitchy attitude again. That's what 2019 taught me to be. Sometimes, you never have to be too kind towards those who treated you like shit. Obviously, it's not a good thing to do but hell yeah! IDGAF! So gonna do my best this year and ignore all those negative rags.

3.0 The Future

So, lovelies, for my future which means this year, next year and on, I will make sure there's no room for losers in my life and I will fully enjoy my life which I didn't know when it's gonna end. I will travel with my friends a lot and I will get what I want and MOST IMPORTANTLY I HAVE TO GRADUATE ON TIME FELLAS!!!!

So, wish me luck!

gtg,
see ya
Miss A
Love ya XOXO

The Uncertainties Of Life

Hello Everyone,

Life is never been so sure and true. It will always be that way. There's a time when the impossible is possible while absurd and irrelevant thing turns out to be an amazing reality. Never blame the wind that blew for your hair to be messy. For the things that happened, with so many weird things going on, no other choice available for you except; HANG IN THERE! Don't let go, it hurts. Don't deny, it unbearable. Don't run, it's tiring. Don't lose hope easily as it will bring you nowhere. It will cause much more damage than it is done.

Speaking of truth, maybe nobody, no one could really differentiate the right or wrong, the truth or lies. Between the painful hidden truth and all beautifully exposed lies given, which will do much favor in order for you to live your life sweetly and happily? Not knowing some unnecessary truth does help us with heartache but how good it has been sugarcoated? Sooner or later, it will be revealed in the most heart-rending way.

I always wonder, can I ever be like somebody who doesn't have to think much about those awful problems. The moment when you're comparing your life with another person, that's the time when you're really failing. God sets a certain path for certain people and we'd been created with our own unique path for us to live on. When you wished to be in the same lights as others, and you tripped, you will eventually realize that you have yours, happy on your own journey. We're happy, everyone else does, but it took your time for you to realize that yours are great too. Yours are special too.

Those uncertainties, those flaws, those ups, and downs will always be there for you and you will have to deal with it. Don't avoid it and face all the consequences of your actions. While you're too busy looking for the solutions, you will find the happiness lies within.


GTG
See Yaa,
Miss A
Love yaa 😍

You, Life Decider.

Hi fellas,

Today I wanna talk about life. Life is something you couldn't choose to undo it. Maybe you've given the chances to, but obviously, you accepted the life. There's so much more in life to be discovered other that you sit around longing for uncertainties and also cherish the unchangeable past. You might not change the past but, surely could re-create something satisfying in the future. The chance and opportunity were indirectly given to you without you realizing it.

Life is about perspective. All in life-changing together with your perspective. How you took it into your account? How you see it? How acceptable it is in your life? Fix it and never make the same mistake twice. All yours to decide. Be firm and strict about your objectives, goals, and stance. No one will blame you for making the decisions for yourself.

I often said to my friend, life isn't complicated at all. You're the one who makes it. Life is there for you to say YES if you want to do it, and NO if you didn't want to. It is easy when you're clear about the thing you want to be in your life. Why making it hard when you can do it easier?

So, be what you want to, say what you have in mind and do what's right for you. NO ONE WILL AND SHOULD BLAME YOU FOR DOING THAT.




So,
gtg
see ya
Miss A

Hell or Opportunity?

Hi peeps!

So today I wanna talk about my current life in this whole lot adventurer MSc journey. So last Monday, where the day I came back from holiday, I got 'GOOD' news from the faculty, I WAS LISTED AS UMT PRESENTER FOR UMT-PSU COLLOQUIUM!!  I was mad and annoying at the same time. And the oral presentation is on Sunday! I have one day to finish my abstract with the correction and the prep for the slide should be done obviously by this weekend. I have lab work and lap prep. How could they do this to me with such short notice? Dr. Thila is also mad about this issue. Yeah! She's not around because she also has a conference on the same day as mine and she's out of UMT. 

So here I am staying back and PG room from 8 am till 3 am the whole week. I look like Panda right now. What a day! So, positively, it's a good experience for me tho. 

So that's me! Still fighting for this presentation. BTW luckily I'm not stressing out alone, Najma also listed in the colloquium. So wish us, luck guys! Gonna update about that soon. 

GTG!

See ya

Miss A